Boy this is hard one.

I’m a Democrat. Big D. I like most things Democrats like. I like less guns in the hands of lunatics (and if you’re not a policeman or a soldier and you want a gun, then I consider you a lunatic). I’d like people dumb enough to want to ruin their sex lives to be able to get married, even if they are gay. And I’d like public schools to actually educate the kids, even if the kids are not mine. And yes, I’d like idiots who have unprotected sex in this day and age to get pregnant and have the right to not have idiot kids. I like government to handle big things like law enforcement, health care for people who can’t afford it, building roads and bridges, making sure there is a safety net for the old and poor. And yes, shock of all shocks, I’m willing to pay taxes so that stuff is paid for. But to be a true Democrat, I have to make sure my dreams are never fulfilled by picking a candidate for president who will lose to a nightmarish Republican. This year it’s a nail-biter. Read the rest of this entry »

A very animated Norm Macdonald gets to the bottom of Hillary Clinton’s latest campaign strategy.

When I was asked to do this blog I was quite honored, then confused, and then scared. Then again, that’s how I feel every time a waiter asks me what I want to eat. I didn’t know what I had to say. It seemed too many people were yakking about politics all the time, anyway.

Election years are turning into election decades, candidates run around saying all the right buzz words and polling focus groups about which hairstyles make them look forceful. I’ve grown quite tired of the whole thing. Worse, I’m just plain cranky about it. I wish somehow we could all take the burden off our shoulders and go back to kings and emperors. On the other hand, those guys had very short fuses and cut off a lot of heads. And that’s if you were just married to them.

I realized I’m probably not alone on this. I think a lot of folks have grown tired of the process. Maybe it’s time for a little overhaul. Or a big one. Nah, a little one will do.

Let’s start with the two-party system. Unless you’re the staff at Chuck E. Cheese briskly moving one group of nine-year-olds out for another, the two-party system is archaic. I like folks on both sides of the fence. Sure, I can go Independent, but they have goofy names like the Green Party, which rhymes with too many insults, or even goofier candidates like Ralph Nader, which also rhymes with too many insults. They also attract the porn stars who decide to run for office, which doesn’t rhyme with anything, but actually makes the TV smell a little. Read the rest of this entry »

The 2008 election is shaping up to be one of the greatest Spike Lee films of our generation. Throw in Denzel Washington as the black, wealthy lawyer-turned-presidential-candidate (who can appeal to the black vote), Rosie Perez as the female, wealthy lawyer-turned-presidential-candidate (who can appeal to the Hispanic vote), and Harvey Keitel as the aging white, wealthy politician-turned-presidential-candidate (who can appeal to the crazy old man vote)… and much like a Spike Lee film, we can be entertained by the mirage of progress, while ignoring the prominent issue that unites them. Class. Admittedly, I find our grandpa’s argument over class much more interesting than the thin sexy membrane of race, gender and age… but sexy sells. Let’s face it, if debates were technology, “class” would be to a BlackBerry what “race,” “gender” and “age” are to an iPhone. But, it’s 2008, we can’t just settle for a tussle in a pizza shop… we need subtext: enter John Turturro, as the Jewish wealthy campaign manager, brought in to replace the female wealthy candidate’s former female wealthy campaign manager in the eleventh hour of a flailing campaign. End scene. Add subtext with religion vs. gender in an already intense environment and you have cinema that sells. Read the rest of this entry »

We’re a couple of weeks past Super Tuesday-just the name of which is an insult to both the Super Bowl and Superman by the way, and anything genuinely super, like glue. But never mind that now.

Before we leave the political world of what’s super and what’s not, let me add it’s also offensive that there is such a thing as super-delegates, who exist only to counter the effect of plain-old regular delegates. (You know, the ones that were elected.) Super-delegates are the crassest kind of machine politics. The ignorant and naive voters cast their ballots for delegates they want in the childish belief they’ll actually be represented by them. That’s the way it should stand in a republic like ours, which is what we are, a republic, not a democracy. In a republic, you see, we vote for delegates and electors and congressmen and senators, and then they go off to do for us what we don’t have time to do for ourselves. Like fly to France.

Oh, what do I know? Read the rest of this entry »

It’s desperation time in Hillaryville. They’re putting out fires faster than a Rocky Mountain ranger station during a lightning storm in the middle of an August drought. Due to the fact that a certain inevitability has proven to be highly evitable. And watching the nomination slip through their fingers has to be going down as easy as a deep-fried fork. Causing several revisions to what was previously a dead-solid game plan. Corrections that include, but are not limited to, banishing key staffers to “integral” precincts on the outskirts of West Texas. Further attempts to wring blood out of contributors who insist on impersonating dried turnips. And the most difficult fix: figuring out how to get the candidate’s husband to shut the hell up.

Yeah. Right. Good luck. You’d have a better shot at using a plastic butter knife to spay a pit pull on meth than try to muzzle this old dog. I suggest a wolf snare or tranquilizer gun as the best means to render the 42nd President of the United States docile enough to throw a choke chain around his neck. Interesting how quickly the game changes. It wasn’t that long ago, rival campaigns were complaining Hillary had an unfair advantage being married to a former President. “But he gets so much press.” And now it’s Hillary’s staff doing the complaining. “But he gets so much press.”

What was once a secret weapon is now an albatross tied by a frayed rope swinging wildly from the neck of the former First Lady. Read the rest of this entry »

What happens when the Obama-trons battle the Hilla-drones? Maybe they’ll transform their campaign strategies. 

What ever happened to gay marriage? People don’t really talk about it anymore. I fear the issue has just gone away. With all the excitement about a Bush-free world, everyone sort of forgot that we don’t really have equal rights for gays and lesbians yet. I am just as excited as everyone else that Bush will be out of office soon, believe me. Bush wasn’t a bad President. He was the WORST President. But just because he’s leaving doesn’t mean all our problems will be solved automatically. Read the rest of this entry »

It was indeed a Super Tuesday. In case you didn’t wake up until this Monday, This Is Now has all the winners, losers and zoo animals. 

Believe. That’s all the Lincoln Research Institute is asking you to do this Presidents’ Day.