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March 14, 2008
Posted: 09:49 AM ET
  1. WARREN BUFFET: World’s richest man can’t hurt, in case the campaign needs a loan. Or the country.
  2. JAMES EARL JONES: The most trusted voice in show business.
  3. DAN QUAYLE: Knows the drill.
  4. ED MCMAHON: Knows the drill AND he knows the intro, “Here’s Joohhhnyyyyyy!”
  5. RONALD REAGAN: Quit pussyfooting around. It’s what the base wants. Who cares if he’s dead? How much less animated is that from second term?
  6. JEB BUSH: Ups the Bush streak to seven of last eight GOP tickets.
  7. JOE LIEBERMAN: Invests campaign with bipartisan spin. Also returns “Joementum” to national lexicon.
  8. KAY BAILEY HUTCHISON: Takes “woman” thing out of play.
  9. CINDY MCCAIN: Takes “woman” thing out of play, and keeps it in the family.
  10. COLIN POWELL: Takes “black” thing out of play.
  11. CONDOLEEZZA RICE: Takes “woman and black” things out of play.
  12. GEORGE CLOONEY: Takes “woman” thing out of play.
  13. JOAN RIVERS: Takes “old” thing out of play. “Woman” thing still in play.
  14. DICK VITALE: Takes “old” and “woman” things out ofplay, BABY.
  15. ANDY ROONEY: Really takes “old” thing out of play. No, really.
  16. ALAN GREENSPAN: Wasn’t everything a whole lot better when he was in charge? And takes “old” thing out of play.
  17. MARY CHENEY: Takes “lesbian” and “unwed mother” things out of play.
  18. DICK CHENEY: What the hell? Something to be said for continuity.
  19. FRED THOMPSON: Throws a bone to the conservative wing and makes candidate appear vibrant.
  20. REGIS PHILBIN: A touch of Hollywood. Old Hollywood, but Hollywood nonetheless.
  21. MIKE HUCKABEE: Plays popular former “Governor of Arkansas” card.
  22. RUDI GIULIANI: Sop to huge pro-choice, pro-gay rights, pro-gun control wing of the GOP. Not to mention NEW YORK.
  23. HILLARY CLINTON: Wants it so bad, she’d cross the aisle for death-watch slot.
  24. MICHAEL BLOOMBERG: Independents? You want independents? We got your independents right here.
  25. MIA HAMM: Soccer Moms? You want soccer moms? We got your soccer moms right here.
  26. DALE EARNHARDT JR.: NASCAR dads? You want NASCAR dads? We got your NASCAR dads right here.
  27. RON PAUL: Two words—Texas, Dammit.
  28. TOM CRUISE: Scientologists are to Republicans what vegans are to hippies.
  29. ADMIRAL STOCKDALE: Because America loves second chances.
  30. CHUCK NORRIS: Locks down Huckabee contingent and firms up “Total Kick Ass” Presidential ticket.
  31. ELLIOT SPITZER: Because America loves second chances.
  32. THE VERIZON “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW” GUY: Brings huge network with him.
  33. PAT ROBERTSON: You want to suck up to the Christian Right? Then suck up to the Christian right.
  34. MITT ROMNEY: Just to exploit the incredible chemistry between the two.
  35. CHER: Campaign will never suffer from lack of wigs.
  36. BRETT FAVRE: Terrific name recognition. Needs a job. Sews up Wisconsin and Mississippi.
  37. JOHN MADDEN: Who doesn’t love John Madden? Brings total telestrator dominance to ticket.
  38. KEIFER SUTHERLAND: What right winger doesn’t love Jack Bauer? Torture question becomes moot.
  39. TED WILLIAMS’ HEAD: Future focused. Travel costs slashed. Low maintenance.
  40. RUSH LIMBAUGH: If you can’t beat them, conjoin them.
  41. WILLIE NELSON: Do you have any idea of what percentage of this country smokes pot?
  42. SNOOP DOGG: Puts the sha-sizzle back in the campaign-izzle.
  43. STEPHEN HAWKING: Not American born. But who would quibble with smartest man in the world?
  44. DONALD TRUMP: Makes everyone look humanoid in comparison.
  45. SONNY VON BULOW. Like Terry Schiavo, only alive. And rich.
  46. KARL ROVE: Assassination insurance.
  47. DONALD RUMSFELD: See Karl Rove.
  48. NEWT GINGRICH: See Karl Rove.
  49. JACK KEVORKIAN: Looking to enter politics and makes top of the ticket lovable and youthful and animated. Also, see Karl Rove.
  50. G. GORDON LIDDY: Because there comes a time when every President needs a human firewall.

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