Are you sick of watching our country turn into a bunch of tax-paying, border-crossing, overeducated Pinkos ruining the American Dream? Does a lower back or glandular weight problem keep you from returning to your job? 



Need to express the outrage that our heroes on the radio command us to feel all day long? In case you’ve ever wondered what the deal is with all these bloggers who pop up on different political Web sites and  disrupt everything, well—they’re called Trolls. 



So, welcome to the wonderful world of Trolling! 



It’s fun and easy. “Easy” being the operative word here. Hey, who wants to actually work when you can stay in your Mom’s basement and type? 



Trolling is GREAT!



If you’ve got a penchant for spirited and witty repartee (or not) then trolling is for you. 



There are some basic requirements:


Cynicism:


Way important, to keep you on track towards the objective—that being, to get all those Progressives and Liberals off track and fighting amongst themselves. Remember how disappointed you were when you put a penny on the tracks and it didn’t derail the train, like you were promised? Well, this time you get to see how effective a derail you can create by throwing in your TWO CENTS! Honest interchange of ideas becomes a train wreck! It’s totally awesome! 


Conscience Control:


Whenever your gut starts lying to you, saying that what you’re doing is wrong, just remember that people basically suck. Hey, look at your own childhood if you need proof of that. Everyone else’s experience has to be basically the same, so you can rest assured you’re doing the right thing.


A Computer And Internet Service:


Being anonymous is essential. It’s just not that effective trolling in person.


FAQ’s:


Q: Do I need a College diploma?

A: Hell no! HISTORY CHANNEL, baby!


Q: Do I have to be a good and reasonable guy?

A: Nope. You just have to pretend you are. Study and copy others who have those weak traits. Don’t worry, it’s not forever. Just until we’re totally in charge of everything.


Q: What kind of handle should I choose?

A: I prefer something with a commanding tone, like idominateyou or iwin-youlose. It scares the opponent into respecting you. Topgunchucknorris24 is cool, because it contains your favorite movie, your favorite actor and your age. 


Sometimes it’s cool to show your knowledge of weaponry - sniperscope1 or killdagger. 


Crossherrman is awesome, but it’s already taken.  


Irony is a dangerous device. Like a Daisy Cutter, it can blow up on you as easily as on your opponent. But if you think you’re ready, you can do something clever like liberalhippyleftycommie69—just to dupe them into listening to your point. 


If you lean towards the smarter side of the pool, then handles like iamsensible, or welledgeicatedguy might just fit the bill. Try to steer clear of names like myrageisoutofcontrol, as those tend to put your credibility in question.


The great part is, you don’t have to keep just one handle. We can provide you with multiple lines out, so you can be several dudes at once! Some of you already are, anyway.


Q: What do I do if the Liberals gang up on me?

A: Don’t worry! We’ll send in back up re-enforcements with statements like, “I totally agree with you!” and, “You have a good point!” For some unexplainable reason, Libbies have power—the power to reach regular people. That’s why we attack their sites in what amounts to a sort of wolf-pack-raid. You’ll never be alone, except of course when you log off, or when your Mom goes shopping. 


Q: What if they get mean? Can I be mean right back? Can I “F” them up?

A: Here’s the secret: Nothing messes up a liberal up like posing as a “nice” or “friendly” person. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth, but pretending to be one of those pacifists is fun. REALLY fun. Watch them freak out! Fooling others is the BOMB! People are stupid, and you get to prove it over and over all day long! For money!


Q: What if I don’t know something about the topic being discussed on the site?

A: Fear not, we supply you with ALL your opinions and the “facts” to back them up! You’ll never need to think up stuff again! It’s just like you live already, but with dental coverage!


Q: What if my opponent is smarter than me?

A: They all are, but that’s not the point. Smart is lame, anyhow. You just take whatever phrases they come up with, and throw them right back! If they say you are a troll, call them a troll. It confuses them, which is all we want. Like a hand grenade, toss it back before it goes off. The Romans never invented anything, they just took it by force! Look how long THEY lasted!


Q: What about Conspiracy Theorists? 

A: This is a more complicated issue. We have people on both sides of the political coin working on this one. Everything from UFOs to Kennedy to the Moon landing. All you need to know are a few key words and phrases to shame or shut down the opponent. 


The standard ones are:

Tin-Foil Hat

Little Green Men

Kool aid

Absurd

Typical

Preposterous

Ridiculous

Hilarious

“Real studies show that…”

“No tangible proof of…”

“Have yet to find one shred of evidence of…”

“The majority of REPUTABLE scientists say that…”


Another fun tactic is to make far-reaching and way-out comparisons to their assertions. 


Things like, “I suppose you’re also one of those guys who believes in Little Green Men.”


Be sure to demand that the opponent bring you reams of evidence, like a slave. (Links, articles—make ‘em work all night on it.) Then, just throw it all out and laugh at them anyway! It never fails! They all want to “teach” us, “help” us and bulls#*t like that. They all believe everyone’s inherently good inside—LOL! They’ve never seen the Scion “Deviants” ad, have they?


Q: Is God OK with me lying?

A: It’s not YOU who is lying. It’s only skullcrushfella19 who’s bending the truth, remember? God simply goes off your real name on a big printout sheet. Don’t go weak on us before we even get you started. God wants us to win, first and foremost.


The Left must be stopped at all costs, (except for OUR lefties, of course). You’ll be able to identify them by little clues, like them being allowed on TV. We SAY that the Mainstream Media is left-leaning, but those in the know—know better 


Now kneel thee, good sir knight, for thou art now in the company of kings. Kings Of The Keyboards! A grand tradition that dates back approximately four to five-and-a-half years. Our domain is all we survey, and goes as far as we can see. So put on your corrective glasses, your Carpal Tunnel braces and get into the game! It IS all just a game to us, you know.


Well, gott’a run—Hot Pocket’s ready. Mmm-Hmmm. Life is sweet under the bridge.