Posted By Antaeus, Brimstone Party Chairman of the Nine Circles Of Hell

Congratulations are in order. Although not because of her big win Tuesday night in the Pennsylvania primary. As every gleefully miserable, hunched-over contrarian with a wireless keyboard has already pointed out on their respective blogs, it’s still mathematically impossible for Hillary Clinton to win the Democratic Presidential nomination. Something about a lack of pledged delegates or whatever. I’m not really fluent in you Americans’ Byzantine form of democracy.

But I do know this: it appears that your precious, little junior Senator from Illinois is all but fated to get the nod. I’ve read your New York Times and your Washington Posts and they all say it’s simply a matter of time. And no amount of last-minute primary barnstorming in your North Carolinas and your Indianas can save Hillary’s quest to be the next “leader of the free world.” And that’s OK. In fact, that’s to be commended.

Because I’m here with a special message for Hillary: don’t abandon all hope, ye who enter… um… this blog. Because you do still have a chance… in Hell!

That’s right! On behalf of the Brimstone Party of the Nine Circles of Hell, I am overjoyed to announce the selection of Hillary Rodham Clinton as our official nominee for the head of the Executive Office of Infernal Affairs. The seat is up for grabs this November, and we believe Hillary would be a shoe-in.

Granted, it’s not the top post in Hell’s extensive cabinet. You-know-who has been there since Day One, and he ain’t stepping down anytime soon.

But it is a prominent position in the Executive branch and it comes with a fair share of prestige and responsibility that we believe is more than comparable to the office of President of the United States. As head of the E.O.I.A., Mrs. Clinton would oversee the conduct of no less than 500 quadrillion demons, devils, harpies, hellhounds, pitchfork pokers, hope devourers and other assorted misery makers. The behavior of each and every one of Beelzebub’s minions will come under her purview—a jurisdiction that spans every concentric nook from Limbo all the way down to the center of the Earth. And that’s not to mention the army of flaming cockroach tattletales she’ll be entrusted with to keep tabs on said minions.

So, let’s say a three-headed succubus in the Third Circle’s liver-gouging district has been slacking off and letting heretics there gasp for a single breath of oxygen once every couple of weeks. It will be Hillary’s job to know about this egregious slip in productivity and immediately correct it. Or perhaps a winged imp in the Seventh Circle isn’t properly scratching at the eyeballs of blashphemers as they writhe in agony for eternity. Who’s going to right that wrong? Satan himself? He’s got bigger fish to fry, especially with this new global warming initiative that’s taken off.

Now, I would be remiss in my duties if I failed to mention some of the perks Mrs. Clinton would enjoy should she accept our nomination and win the office in November. For starters, there’s the money. Unlike the paltry sum she’d earn at the White House, we are prepared to pay her, really, whatever she wants. Satan being Satan and all, he can pretty much print U.S. currency out of his fingernails. And then of course there are the standard benefits enjoyed by all Executive Branch administrators: medical, prescription, vision and dental plans, retirement packages, time-share options on the River Styx. The usual.

Of course, accepting the nomination is only the first step for Hillary. There is the election to worry about. And apparently, the Fire Party has tapped Kenneth Lay for their pick. We understand he come highly credentialed with a letter of recommendation from the Grand Master of Terrestrial Evil himself, Dick Cheney.

But no matter. We’ll fight those battles when the time comes. For now, I must make sure that Hillary understands one thing and one thing only: she does still have a chance… in Hell! She doesn’t even have to die. We’ll take her as-is. Besides, she’s a politician, so she’s going to end up here eventually.

All she does have to do right now is give up running for the Democratic Presidential nomination. Because she doesn’t stand a chance of winning that one. Here or there.