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May 2, 2008
Posted: 12:51 PM ET

All I want to know is… the hell is the big deal? Settle down. People, you’re going to pop an embolismthe size of a balloon poodle tail. I’m talking aboutthe reaction to the six to three vote by the Supreme Court upholding an Indiana law that requires a person to show a photo ID in order to vote. And some folks are simply foaming with apoplexy. By the sound of their little fists pounding on various semi-solid surfaces,you’d a thunk they had just discovered that rhythmic clapping doesn’t really bring faeries back to life. So you got to show a government issued ID? So what? You’re voting. It’s a privilege. Earn it. You have to prove you’re registered in the district in which you are voting, don’t you?

I understand this means I’m throwing in with Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia, signaling some sort of serious rift in the space-time continuum, but at least I have the solace of knowing that Justice Stevens is snuggling up with us in the ugly tent. He said, “for most voters, the inconvenience of gathering the required documents and posing for a photograph surely does not qualify as a substantial burden.” Obviously Justice Stevens doesn’t drive a lot these days, or he’d realize any time spent at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles is cruel and unusual. Maybe he’s saying the old and the poor have time to wait in line for anID. At 88, he should know.

For crum’s sake. You need a photo ID to cash a check.To buy beer. To rent porn. To board an airplane. To enter big downtown Federal buildings. To be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t be surprised to findout you need to show an ID to get into the very buildings that issue them. Which admittedly, is a tricky bit. I’ll be honest here: I hate having to show my ID And what I hate even more is the general attitude of the people requesting to see it. Usually it’s in a tone of aggressive entitlement like a distracted trust fund baby asking for the keys to her BMW with eyes down and palm up. But you know what? I do it. Why? Because I’m a brain-dead, arms-outstretched drooling zombie tool of the right wing? No, because I want to cash a check to buy some beer or board an airplane with a carry-on full of porn, that’s why.

What I most especially hate is when they take my license out of my hand and put it down for later consultation. Hey! Hey! Mr. or Mrs. clerk type person, here’s the deal. You want to see my ID? OK. Here’s my ID. Look at it. You don’t need to hold it or caress it or put it down on a napkin in the greasy spot where hunks of your Cinnabon with extra frosting still lurk. Not to mention, GERMS, Buddy. And let’s level the playing field here. If I show you mine, I want to see yours. How am I supposed to know you’re who you say you are. This should be mandatory at banks. “Yeah, sure, no problem, I’ll deposit my money with your lovely establishment, as soon as you show me two forms of ID and tell me your mother’s maiden name.”

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Filed under: Identification • Presidential Election • Voting


M.H.   May 2nd, 2008 1:47 pm ET

I would disagree that voting is a privilege - it’s a right. I see no problem with requiring a photo ID, though, but I don’t think you flash your ID to “earn” the right to vote, rather it serves as an authentication mechanism set up to prevent duplicate voting and other fraudulent activities.

Manuel J. Vasquez   May 4th, 2008 4:02 pm ET

Nuts to you! This is almost like caging! I’ve walk in with my official voter information guide and state my name. The official looks me up ask my address? I answer it and the ballot is handed over to me. That’s California’s way. This is just another way to surpress one’s right to vote. Once I have voted no one can claim to be me and vote again. That’s also why each ballot has an I.D., number. Any person other than myself trying to vote is subject to the following: TOUGHENS PENALTIES - On top of a 5-year sentence, triples to $30,000 the penalty for vote fraud and expands the law to include anyone who participates in a conspiracy knowingly to create or submit false voter registration cards or otherwise engage in vote fraud.

John   May 5th, 2008 1:51 pm ET

I agree with M.H.. Voting is a RIGHT, not a privilege.

I also agree that there is nothing wrong with requiring a valid photo or even biometric ID.

The only issue I have would be that I would mandate that the state provide, free of charge, a valid photographic state ID card for those who do not have a driver’s license or passport. Otherwise, the requirement creates an undue burden on the voter.

David Fox   May 6th, 2008 9:01 pm ET

I also agree voting is a right not a privilege. But measures have to be taken to prevent fraud. California’s system, as described by Mr. Vasquez, is definately flawed. I happen to know for a fact my parents did not vote, and my neighbor did not vote. What is to stop me from walking into their precincts and voting as them? What is to stop me from going to the polls earlier than you, and voting first, now you can’t vote. If you think the threat of the penalty is enough of a deterrent, then why are prisons overcrowded? Asking for photo ID is the furthest thing, in today’s society, from an inconvienece. You can’t survive withouut one, unless you work for cash, paid under the table, without paying taxes. You need a photo ID for so many things in this country now, especially financial transactions, not just the things mentioned by Mr. Durst.

Southerner   May 9th, 2008 9:37 pm ET

You goofballs do realize that this is in the “capitol punishment” section right? You did pick up on the fact that the subheading says “we put the MOCK in democracy”.

This article is a joke. Lighten the F*** up!

Tracy   May 18th, 2008 12:50 pm ET

There are other ways to verify that you live in the precinct in which you are voting. Such as power bills, phone bills, bank statements. And you might suggest that you have those things mailed elsewhere but on all of mine the address where the service is located is also on the bill. And if they match it should be enough to ensure that the residental location is where you live. Something simple enough for older people who no longer drive to have. My grandmother has never had a drivers license, has never learned to drive, has allowed my grandfather to deal with all financial considerations that would require a photo ID. This has worked for her for over 60 years and now all of a sudden she may need a government issued ID. She doesn’t even have a copy of her birth certificate (Many older americans don’t) and yet she needs one in order to get that government issued ID. So you’re suggesting that her life lived in America isn’t enough for her to have ‘earned’ the right to vote. A right she has enjoyed and exercised regularly for many years, but all of a sudden, it’s vitally important that she have this photo ID or you’ll deny her that right? What next? DNA? Fingerprints?

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Super DeluxeCapitol Punishment is a comedy blog by the Super Deluxe team set up to mercilessly and universally mock all the political theater with guest celebrity bloggers and comedy videos. It does not represent anything except the satirical views of the contributors.

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