Democrats, take heart. When our candidate is chosen (it appears it will be Obama), he will be well vetted and well hardened. I am a 66-year-old geezer who resents blatant ageism, but McCain is too old to be President. He has doddered on the Iran-Al Qaida issue several times and the sight of Senator Lieberman telling him what to say in his ear like Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy was not encouraging. He will make his share of mistakes in the campaign, and no doubt his temper will get him in trouble. The name and legacy of George Bush, Jr. will become a ubiquitous anchor for the retired naval officer. He believed in Bush and his policies and with few exceptions supported them.

While personal resentments between Clinton and Obama will not disappear, we have seen worse intra-party fighting for the nomination as during the Vietnam War, and it should be the candidate’s duty to support the nominee. Either Obama or Clinton may have to wait their turn, but they will not have another turn if they do not wholeheartedly support whoever is nominated. Read the rest of this entry »

As the race for the democratic nomination drags on even though the math clearly shows that Hillary Clinton has a bigger chance of getting hit in the head by a meteor than she does in winning the nomination (and as fun as that sounds, it’s just not going to happen) one thing is clear: the so-called “MSM” (I was disappointed to discover that it stands for “Main Stream Media,” and not “Macho Sado-Masochists,” as I had excitedly hoped) is horribly biased.

The media is not biased towards the left or the right, women or men, blacks or whites as so many have supposed, the media is biased toward one thing and one thing only:

We have got to keep this election soap opera running, because it’s worth good ad money.

So now that I’m blogging here on CNN and you can make the case that I’m part of the “Main Stream Media Vast Soap Opera Conspiracy,” I want to do my part in helping everyone to pretend that the contest isn’t over by expanding the scope of the contest.

That’s right people, it’s time for a First Lady Smackdown. Given all the excitement of Cindy McCain’s “Recipegate,” I am proposing the following:

Cathryn Michon’s First Lady Winner-Takes-All Cook-Off! Read the rest of this entry »

Order another bag of peanuts, pass the cotton candy and get used to the smell of sawdust, because the circus tour has been extended. Yes, my friends, welcome to the primary that will not die. You’d think that after six thrill-filled weeks of hosting this sideshow competition of rival ringmasters outdoing each other in the “Like A Normal Human Animal Act,” the state of Pennsylvania would selflessly provide the rest of the country with a semblance of closure by permanently pulling up the stakes of this traveling Big Top. But no. They got addicted to the sound of calliope music and don’t want the spectacle to end. Selfish bastards. Read the rest of this entry »

The Pennsylvania primary is over and done with, and I for one am thrilled with how utterly inconclusive it was. In the previous 44 contests, the Democratic candidates were too focused on wooing voters via tactics like discussing how best to implement nationwide health care or proposing solutions to America’s mortgage crisis that don’t involve not doing anything. Nice try, Dems, but you know who else didn’t have health insurance or homes? Hobos. Yet they weathered the Great Depression just fine and became beloved comedic stereotypes in the process, despite all the efforts of FDR and railroad bulls.

Thankfully, Hillary Clinton has shown real leadership in the last few weeks by moving discourse away from the issues and toward the things that really matter, like the flaws of her opponent, Barack Obama. Read the rest of this entry »

After much buildup to the showdown in Pennsylvania which turned out to be just another primary in just another state, I think I now want to set my alarm clock for late summer… with the option to slap the snooze bar until November. In what feels less like a clash of the titans and more like an hour-long episode of a sitcom that plays better as a half-hour, I find myself growing tired of Barack versus Hillary. Read the rest of this entry »

I think it’s time you and I had us a talk about President Whatshisname. Certainly time somebody spoke of him. Because I’m not sure anybody’s noticed, but he seems to have disappeared lately. And don’t go all blank on me: You know who I’m talking about. The guy in charge. Supposedly. The Decider. Mr. Mission-Not-Quite-Accomplished. The scaly dragon the Democrats forged the armor of their entire campaign to fight against has turned into the Incredible Shrinking Man and he just can’t stop. As forgotten as the stitching contractor for the ‘54 DeSoto Diplomat seat vendor. And while the Democrats ignore him, the Republicans have implemented a policy barring any reference to him under penalty of severe tingeing.

He went somewhere recently. Overseas, I think. And met up with this other guy who could have been Russian and who may, or may not be, leaving his job soon just like our guy; and the two of them together were as useless as a Powerpoint presentation on Viagra at a Eunuchs convention. Lame duck doesn’t even come close here. A meeting of clipped-winged hawks with 20-pound weights tied to their talons. A comatose vulture summit. Crippled geese. Biologically deformed Pterodactyl fossils encased in the amber pool of irrelevance, obsolescence and guilt. Whoa. OK. I’m done.

Then a few days ago, our guy, Whatshisname, Bush, held a press conference to admonish Congress about something really important. OK, something kind of important. It was importantish. He said. The problem is, no one paid any attention at all to what he was saying. Read the rest of this entry »

There. I said it. And I mean it. And I think a lot of other people feel the same way as me, but they’re just too afraid to speak up about it. Or maybe they feel weird about openly endorsing a fast-food franchise to be the leader of the free world. Maybe they just think, “We better leave this job to people, like Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton or John McCain.” Well, I don’t agree.

In fact, I’m going to be really clear about this whole thing: I want Pizza Hut to be President this time.

I do. And I don’t care what it takes to get it in the Oval Office, I just want it in there. Knock out some walls. Build the signature red roof. Remodel the entire White House and reopen Pennsylvania Avenue to accommodate the increase in traffic. Put a drive-thru window in the West Wing and make the Secret Service take orders. Etch a vertical “Pizza Mia’s Only $5″ on the Washington Monument and rename the Lincoln Bedroom “P’zone.” Engineer a goddamned giant Meat Lover’s pie to permanently rotate on the top of the Capitol building and make the Potomac run red with marinara sauce. Do whatever it takes. Read the rest of this entry »

Poor Hillary. Everybody wants her to quit. Nancy Pelosi wants her to quit. Michelle Obama wants her to quit. Wouldn’t be surprised to hear Fidel Castro thinks she’s been hanging on too long. Even pundits who don’t really want her to quit are calling for her to quit because the next vote isn’t for three weeks and they’re caught in the Primary Dead Zone Vortex, and, like an excited terrier piddling in the stairwell at the sound of the key in the door, just can’t help themselves.

The media chorus is as insistent as a 3 a.m. car alarm: “It’s time to go. Leave now while you have a shred of dignity intact. You’re ruining it for everyone. How can we hug and kiss Barack when you’re still wrestling with him, you sweaty old hag?” She, in turn, has put a brave face on her acknowledged uphill battle, comparing herself to Rocky Balboa, but seems to have forgotten, that in the first movie, Rocky loses. To a black guy.

The Left has long held a deep-seated need to fall in love with their candidate; and while people may respect Hillary, she’s as cuddly as a stainless steel teddy bear. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Obama Campaign—

You don’t know me, but I am an American bowler, with a USBC sanctioned 170 average, and… I vote.

It was with great dismay that I watched Sen. Obama bowl the other night during the CNN sports/politics segment.

As a bowler with a 170 average, which is as close to pro as you can get without making any commitment to getting better, I was shocked… SHOCKED… to see the man who is only a heartbeat away from the presidency—two heartbeats if you count that stone in Hillary’s chest as a heart—bowl a 37 in 10 regulation frames.

I’ve looked, with Zapruderphile diligence, at the video of Mr. Obama’s roll, and here are my observations:

Obama is not bowling so much as practicing diplomacy with the pins. As the great Natalie Maines of the dot.org-alt-folk group, The Dixie Chicks, once said to Barbara Walters about how to handle Saddam: “I’d give him a little bit of torture. A little bit.” That seems to be the swing thought here with Barack. He supports the pins but not the game. Look at the follow-through. You can’t see it? Neither can I. It doesn’t exist. Do I want a President who doesn’t follow through? Read the rest of this entry »

I’m no economist, though as a comedian (like Sinbad, but not as successful or funny) I have certainly dodged my share of Bosnian sniper fire (what! Find the YouTube video that proves I’m a big fat liar on that one!)

However, I’m not going to allow my lack of so-called “economic credentials” prevent me from saving our nation’s economy from the current (pick the economic cliché of your choice):

1. malaise
2. crisis
3. flaming death spiral.

I have a theory, and, like most great economic theories, it’s vague, and yet seems oddly true. I call it the “Cathryn Michon Presidential Hotness Theorem” and it can be summed up very simply:

The Hotter the President, the Hotter the Economy.

I can’t wait for all the ill-informed hate mail I’m going to get from those pompous allegedly learned University-type economists who rely on their same old tired facts and figures saying that my obviously brilliant theorem is somehow “empirically unprovable” or “really frigging stupid.” Read the rest of this entry »