As the race for the democratic nomination drags on even though the math clearly shows that Hillary Clinton has a bigger chance of getting hit in the head by a meteor than she does in winning the nomination (and as fun as that sounds, it’s just not going to happen) one thing is clear: the so-called “MSM” (I was disappointed to discover that it stands for “Main Stream Media,” and not “Macho Sado-Masochists,” as I had excitedly hoped) is horribly biased.

The media is not biased towards the left or the right, women or men, blacks or whites as so many have supposed, the media is biased toward one thing and one thing only:

We have got to keep this election soap opera running, because it’s worth good ad money.

So now that I’m blogging here on CNN and you can make the case that I’m part of the “Main Stream Media Vast Soap Opera Conspiracy,” I want to do my part in helping everyone to pretend that the contest isn’t over by expanding the scope of the contest.

That’s right people, it’s time for a First Lady Smackdown. Given all the excitement of Cindy McCain’s “Recipegate,” I am proposing the following:

Cathryn Michon’s First Lady Winner-Takes-All Cook-Off! Read the rest of this entry »

Order another bag of peanuts, pass the cotton candy and get used to the smell of sawdust, because the circus tour has been extended. Yes, my friends, welcome to the primary that will not die. You’d think that after six thrill-filled weeks of hosting this sideshow competition of rival ringmasters outdoing each other in the “Like A Normal Human Animal Act,” the state of Pennsylvania would selflessly provide the rest of the country with a semblance of closure by permanently pulling up the stakes of this traveling Big Top. But no. They got addicted to the sound of calliope music and don’t want the spectacle to end. Selfish bastards. Read the rest of this entry »

The Pennsylvania primary is over and done with, and I for one am thrilled with how utterly inconclusive it was. In the previous 44 contests, the Democratic candidates were too focused on wooing voters via tactics like discussing how best to implement nationwide health care or proposing solutions to America’s mortgage crisis that don’t involve not doing anything. Nice try, Dems, but you know who else didn’t have health insurance or homes? Hobos. Yet they weathered the Great Depression just fine and became beloved comedic stereotypes in the process, despite all the efforts of FDR and railroad bulls.

Thankfully, Hillary Clinton has shown real leadership in the last few weeks by moving discourse away from the issues and toward the things that really matter, like the flaws of her opponent, Barack Obama. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted By Antaeus, Brimstone Party Chairman of the Nine Circles Of Hell

Congratulations are in order. Although not because of her big win Tuesday night in the Pennsylvania primary. As every gleefully miserable, hunched-over contrarian with a wireless keyboard has already pointed out on their respective blogs, it’s still mathematically impossible for Hillary Clinton to win the Democratic Presidential nomination. Something about a lack of pledged delegates or whatever. I’m not really fluent in you Americans’ Byzantine form of democracy.

But I do know this: it appears that your precious, little junior Senator from Illinois is all but fated to get the nod. I’ve read your New York Times and your Washington Posts and they all say it’s simply a matter of time. And no amount of last-minute primary barnstorming in your North Carolinas and your Indianas can save Hillary’s quest to be the next “leader of the free world.” And that’s OK. In fact, that’s to be commended.

Because I’m here with a special message for Hillary: don’t abandon all hope, ye who enter… um… this blog. Because you do still have a chance… in Hell!

That’s right! On behalf of the Brimstone Party of the Nine Circles of Hell, I am overjoyed to announce the selection of Hillary Rodham Clinton as our official nominee for the head of the Executive Office of Infernal Affairs. The seat is up for grabs this November, and we believe Hillary would be a shoe-in. Read the rest of this entry »

After much buildup to the showdown in Pennsylvania which turned out to be just another primary in just another state, I think I now want to set my alarm clock for late summer… with the option to slap the snooze bar until November. In what feels less like a clash of the titans and more like an hour-long episode of a sitcom that plays better as a half-hour, I find myself growing tired of Barack versus Hillary. Read the rest of this entry »

As someone who cares deeply about the Democratic party and is tired of the almost 20 years of “shirts and skins” style ruthless attack politics between parties let me just say this:

Man, do the Republicans love Hillary!

And really, who would have thought it? It’s just a testament to what a marvelous, likeable, non-divisive, inspirational, diplomatic creature she is.

What she has been able to accomplish in terms of bridging the gulf of hatred between Democrats and Republicans is nothing short of miraculous.

Why, even her supposed opponent John McCain said to supporters recently that he thinks Hillary may “pull this nomination off yet.”

It’s like, he’s actually cheering for her!

Republicans used to despise her, and her husband, and yet now she counts among her supporters and active campaigners such right-wing stalwarts as Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. Limbaugh has been working tirelessly to get her this nomination. Most people don’t even know this, but her husband appeared on Limbaugh’s show on the eve of the Texas Primary. Bill Clinton actually chatted with the man who referred to his daughter Chelsea as, “the White House Dog” and encouraged Limbaugh’s listeners (who often vote Republican, in case you didn’t know) to vote for Hillary.

Isn’t it amazing the way her loving personality and hopeful demeanor is bringing together the normally fractious Republicans and Democrats? Why, some Republicans are even willing to vote for her in this hotly contested primary contest.

Hillary is like Gandhi, with better outfits! Read the rest of this entry »

I think it’s time you and I had us a talk about President Whatshisname. Certainly time somebody spoke of him. Because I’m not sure anybody’s noticed, but he seems to have disappeared lately. And don’t go all blank on me: You know who I’m talking about. The guy in charge. Supposedly. The Decider. Mr. Mission-Not-Quite-Accomplished. The scaly dragon the Democrats forged the armor of their entire campaign to fight against has turned into the Incredible Shrinking Man and he just can’t stop. As forgotten as the stitching contractor for the ‘54 DeSoto Diplomat seat vendor. And while the Democrats ignore him, the Republicans have implemented a policy barring any reference to him under penalty of severe tingeing.

He went somewhere recently. Overseas, I think. And met up with this other guy who could have been Russian and who may, or may not be, leaving his job soon just like our guy; and the two of them together were as useless as a Powerpoint presentation on Viagra at a Eunuchs convention. Lame duck doesn’t even come close here. A meeting of clipped-winged hawks with 20-pound weights tied to their talons. A comatose vulture summit. Crippled geese. Biologically deformed Pterodactyl fossils encased in the amber pool of irrelevance, obsolescence and guilt. Whoa. OK. I’m done.

Then a few days ago, our guy, Whatshisname, Bush, held a press conference to admonish Congress about something really important. OK, something kind of important. It was importantish. He said. The problem is, no one paid any attention at all to what he was saying. Read the rest of this entry »

I wish Gen. David Petraeus could have been at Hooters with me last week, before the Senate surge against American interests held their annual hostage-taking with him as guest victim. Apparently, the surge is working a little too well, and certain Senators with the Presidency on their mind wanted some snappy answers as to why American defeat was not imminent.

While the good General did a fine job of helping the anti-war wing of the Senate look foolish and myopic again, I thought he would have been a lot better off eating wings and polishing off a pitcher or two with me before going to face the wolves. He would have found a good argument for war there. Read the rest of this entry »

There. I said it. And I mean it. And I think a lot of other people feel the same way as me, but they’re just too afraid to speak up about it. Or maybe they feel weird about openly endorsing a fast-food franchise to be the leader of the free world. Maybe they just think, “We better leave this job to people, like Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton or John McCain.” Well, I don’t agree.

In fact, I’m going to be really clear about this whole thing: I want Pizza Hut to be President this time.

I do. And I don’t care what it takes to get it in the Oval Office, I just want it in there. Knock out some walls. Build the signature red roof. Remodel the entire White House and reopen Pennsylvania Avenue to accommodate the increase in traffic. Put a drive-thru window in the West Wing and make the Secret Service take orders. Etch a vertical “Pizza Mia’s Only $5″ on the Washington Monument and rename the Lincoln Bedroom “P’zone.” Engineer a goddamned giant Meat Lover’s pie to permanently rotate on the top of the Capitol building and make the Potomac run red with marinara sauce. Do whatever it takes. Read the rest of this entry »

Hillary Clinton has many fine qualities but being fascinating has never been one of them. Now, in an attempt to divert everyone’s attention from the simple mathematical fact that she cannot be elected to be the Democratic party nominee (while she frantically raises money so she can pay the more than $8 million she owes increasingly outspoken vendors without seeming like she is just duping her supporters into paying off her poorly managed campaign spending) she is trying to “cast” herself in a more heroic role than the one she currently occupies.

In the glorious Clintonian past, Bill was dubbed “the comeback kid” because of his ability to recover from seeming defeat. Hillary, on the other hand, could be dubbed “the make-a-wish-kid.” Everyone gets that she’s terminal and since we feel sorry for her we allow her to pretend that she will one day be the President.

Almost every day, the Clinton Campaign comes up with a new story for us to pretend that Hillary is starring in, so we don’t notice that she’s actually starring in “Apocolypse Now” as she trashes the Democratic Party in one never-ending firefight. Read the rest of this entry »