Order another bag of peanuts, pass the cotton candy and get used to the smell of sawdust, because the circus tour has been extended. Yes, my friends, welcome to the primary that will not die. You’d think that after six thrill-filled weeks of hosting this sideshow competition of rival ringmasters outdoing each other in the “Like A Normal Human Animal Act,” the state of Pennsylvania would selflessly provide the rest of the country with a semblance of closure by permanently pulling up the stakes of this traveling Big Top. But no. They got addicted to the sound of calliope music and don’t want the spectacle to end. Selfish bastards. Read the rest of this entry »

The Pennsylvania primary is over and done with, and I for one am thrilled with how utterly inconclusive it was. In the previous 44 contests, the Democratic candidates were too focused on wooing voters via tactics like discussing how best to implement nationwide health care or proposing solutions to America’s mortgage crisis that don’t involve not doing anything. Nice try, Dems, but you know who else didn’t have health insurance or homes? Hobos. Yet they weathered the Great Depression just fine and became beloved comedic stereotypes in the process, despite all the efforts of FDR and railroad bulls.

Thankfully, Hillary Clinton has shown real leadership in the last few weeks by moving discourse away from the issues and toward the things that really matter, like the flaws of her opponent, Barack Obama. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted By Antaeus, Brimstone Party Chairman of the Nine Circles Of Hell

Congratulations are in order. Although not because of her big win Tuesday night in the Pennsylvania primary. As every gleefully miserable, hunched-over contrarian with a wireless keyboard has already pointed out on their respective blogs, it’s still mathematically impossible for Hillary Clinton to win the Democratic Presidential nomination. Something about a lack of pledged delegates or whatever. I’m not really fluent in you Americans’ Byzantine form of democracy.

But I do know this: it appears that your precious, little junior Senator from Illinois is all but fated to get the nod. I’ve read your New York Times and your Washington Posts and they all say it’s simply a matter of time. And no amount of last-minute primary barnstorming in your North Carolinas and your Indianas can save Hillary’s quest to be the next “leader of the free world.” And that’s OK. In fact, that’s to be commended.

Because I’m here with a special message for Hillary: don’t abandon all hope, ye who enter… um… this blog. Because you do still have a chance… in Hell!

That’s right! On behalf of the Brimstone Party of the Nine Circles of Hell, I am overjoyed to announce the selection of Hillary Rodham Clinton as our official nominee for the head of the Executive Office of Infernal Affairs. The seat is up for grabs this November, and we believe Hillary would be a shoe-in. Read the rest of this entry »

After much buildup to the showdown in Pennsylvania which turned out to be just another primary in just another state, I think I now want to set my alarm clock for late summer… with the option to slap the snooze bar until November. In what feels less like a clash of the titans and more like an hour-long episode of a sitcom that plays better as a half-hour, I find myself growing tired of Barack versus Hillary. Read the rest of this entry »