All I want to know is… the hell is the big deal? Settle down. People, you’re going to pop an embolismthe size of a balloon poodle tail. I’m talking aboutthe reaction to the six to three vote by the Supreme Court upholding an Indiana law that requires a person to show a photo ID in order to vote. And some folks are simply foaming with apoplexy. By the sound of their little fists pounding on various semi-solid surfaces,you’d a thunk they had just discovered that rhythmic clapping doesn’t really bring faeries back to life. So you got to show a government issued ID? So what? You’re voting. It’s a privilege. Earn it. You have to prove you’re registered in the district in which you are voting, don’t you? Read the rest of this entry »

Democrats, take heart. When our candidate is chosen (it appears it will be Obama), he will be well vetted and well hardened. I am a 66-year-old geezer who resents blatant ageism, but McCain is too old to be President. He has doddered on the Iran-Al Qaida issue several times and the sight of Senator Lieberman telling him what to say in his ear like Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy was not encouraging. He will make his share of mistakes in the campaign, and no doubt his temper will get him in trouble. The name and legacy of George Bush, Jr. will become a ubiquitous anchor for the retired naval officer. He believed in Bush and his policies and with few exceptions supported them.

While personal resentments between Clinton and Obama will not disappear, we have seen worse intra-party fighting for the nomination as during the Vietnam War, and it should be the candidate’s duty to support the nominee. Either Obama or Clinton may have to wait their turn, but they will not have another turn if they do not wholeheartedly support whoever is nominated. Read the rest of this entry »

If you wade through the thick plume of pollution bellowing from the constant traffic jams, construction sites, and YMCA locker room showers, you’d notice an overriding “un-zen” vibe of frustration in the air among the general American public. It’s the never-ending Iraq wars, the plummeting economy, and the off-kilter scale of injustice. But there is one hot-button topic that I am having trouble getting my pants un-pleated about, the American health care coverage… or lack there of.

I can’t help but question the public’s frustration over the “problematic” health care plans offered in this fair state. The way I see it, a proper, full-coverage health care plan is nothing more than a curse to the health conscience. It’s like buying the best tasting burrito ever, and then feigning disappointment when you finish it. If you never buy that delectable burrito you can never finish it, thus, never be disappointed. And if you never cover yourself with health insurance, chances are you’ll never get hurt. It’s that law written by that guy Murphy, or whatever. Read the rest of this entry »

There. I said it. And I mean it. And I think a lot of other people feel the same way as me, but they’re just too afraid to speak up about it. Or maybe they feel weird about openly endorsing a fast-food franchise to be the leader of the free world. Maybe they just think, “We better leave this job to people, like Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton or John McCain.” Well, I don’t agree.

In fact, I’m going to be really clear about this whole thing: I want Pizza Hut to be President this time.

I do. And I don’t care what it takes to get it in the Oval Office, I just want it in there. Knock out some walls. Build the signature red roof. Remodel the entire White House and reopen Pennsylvania Avenue to accommodate the increase in traffic. Put a drive-thru window in the West Wing and make the Secret Service take orders. Etch a vertical “Pizza Mia’s Only $5″ on the Washington Monument and rename the Lincoln Bedroom “P’zone.” Engineer a goddamned giant Meat Lover’s pie to permanently rotate on the top of the Capitol building and make the Potomac run red with marinara sauce. Do whatever it takes. Read the rest of this entry »

Hillary Clinton has many fine qualities but being fascinating has never been one of them. Now, in an attempt to divert everyone’s attention from the simple mathematical fact that she cannot be elected to be the Democratic party nominee (while she frantically raises money so she can pay the more than $8 million she owes increasingly outspoken vendors without seeming like she is just duping her supporters into paying off her poorly managed campaign spending) she is trying to “cast” herself in a more heroic role than the one she currently occupies.

In the glorious Clintonian past, Bill was dubbed “the comeback kid” because of his ability to recover from seeming defeat. Hillary, on the other hand, could be dubbed “the make-a-wish-kid.” Everyone gets that she’s terminal and since we feel sorry for her we allow her to pretend that she will one day be the President.

Almost every day, the Clinton Campaign comes up with a new story for us to pretend that Hillary is starring in, so we don’t notice that she’s actually starring in “Apocolypse Now” as she trashes the Democratic Party in one never-ending firefight. Read the rest of this entry »

Poor Hillary. Everybody wants her to quit. Nancy Pelosi wants her to quit. Michelle Obama wants her to quit. Wouldn’t be surprised to hear Fidel Castro thinks she’s been hanging on too long. Even pundits who don’t really want her to quit are calling for her to quit because the next vote isn’t for three weeks and they’re caught in the Primary Dead Zone Vortex, and, like an excited terrier piddling in the stairwell at the sound of the key in the door, just can’t help themselves.

The media chorus is as insistent as a 3 a.m. car alarm: “It’s time to go. Leave now while you have a shred of dignity intact. You’re ruining it for everyone. How can we hug and kiss Barack when you’re still wrestling with him, you sweaty old hag?” She, in turn, has put a brave face on her acknowledged uphill battle, comparing herself to Rocky Balboa, but seems to have forgotten, that in the first movie, Rocky loses. To a black guy.

The Left has long held a deep-seated need to fall in love with their candidate; and while people may respect Hillary, she’s as cuddly as a stainless steel teddy bear. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Obama Campaign—

You don’t know me, but I am an American bowler, with a USBC sanctioned 170 average, and… I vote.

It was with great dismay that I watched Sen. Obama bowl the other night during the CNN sports/politics segment.

As a bowler with a 170 average, which is as close to pro as you can get without making any commitment to getting better, I was shocked… SHOCKED… to see the man who is only a heartbeat away from the presidency—two heartbeats if you count that stone in Hillary’s chest as a heart—bowl a 37 in 10 regulation frames.

I’ve looked, with Zapruderphile diligence, at the video of Mr. Obama’s roll, and here are my observations:

Obama is not bowling so much as practicing diplomacy with the pins. As the great Natalie Maines of the dot.org-alt-folk group, The Dixie Chicks, once said to Barbara Walters about how to handle Saddam: “I’d give him a little bit of torture. A little bit.” That seems to be the swing thought here with Barack. He supports the pins but not the game. Look at the follow-through. You can’t see it? Neither can I. It doesn’t exist. Do I want a President who doesn’t follow through? Read the rest of this entry »

Oh man, it’s a good thing I’m not a politician. For me. For you. For the planet Jupiter. Not just because I’d expend all my political capital attempting to get rid of that primitive custom known as bar time. And then try to roll back the scourge of those silly speed limit restrictions. I mean, what’s the sense of selling Shelby Mustang GTs if you can’t blow out the carbs once in a while? And what about society’s unconscionably puritanical obsession with sex workers? Who’s with me here? Hugh Grant? Eddie Murphy? Governor Spitzer? Senator Vitter? Somebody, back me up.

You can’t say I didn’t give it a go either. Politics, that is. Not prostitution. But then, they’re easy to mix up. Back in ‘87, I ran for mayor of San Francisco. Spent $1,500. Came in fourth out of 11. Got 2 percent of the vote. The three guys who beat me out each spent over a million dollars apiece. So on a dollar per vote basis, I am mayor of San Francisco. Of course, no matter what incentives were offered, those persnickety, math-obsessed electoral commissioners continually failed to come around to my way of thinking. Read the rest of this entry »

I’m no economist, though as a comedian (like Sinbad, but not as successful or funny) I have certainly dodged my share of Bosnian sniper fire (what! Find the YouTube video that proves I’m a big fat liar on that one!)

However, I’m not going to allow my lack of so-called “economic credentials” prevent me from saving our nation’s economy from the current (pick the economic cliché of your choice):

1. malaise
2. crisis
3. flaming death spiral.

I have a theory, and, like most great economic theories, it’s vague, and yet seems oddly true. I call it the “Cathryn Michon Presidential Hotness Theorem” and it can be summed up very simply:

The Hotter the President, the Hotter the Economy.

I can’t wait for all the ill-informed hate mail I’m going to get from those pompous allegedly learned University-type economists who rely on their same old tired facts and figures saying that my obviously brilliant theorem is somehow “empirically unprovable” or “really frigging stupid.” Read the rest of this entry »

My long-suffering feminist women friends (just ask them, they’ll tell you about their suffering, but you might want to grab a beverage first) ask me how, as a self-described feminist, I can possibly be supporting Barack Obama (a self-described man) to which I reply, “have you seen the guy in swim trunks?”

Kidding.

Look, I don’t feel guilty about supporting Obama: I don’t think being a feminist means voting for someone just because they have a uterus. Being a feminist means I’m not against someone for having a uterus.

I expect whoever gets my vote to show up with more than a uterus, that’s for sure. I’ve got one of my own; I don’t need Hillary’s.

But I have gotten so mad at Hillary’s truth challenged behavior lately that a friend challenged me to say some positive things about Hillary Clinton. So here goes:

8 SIMPLE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON

1. She Has High Self-Esteem

   Anybody who can claim an election victory in a state where no one else’s name was on the ballot has got the kind of plucky high self-esteem that you normally only see in really confident leaders like Stalin, or Saddam Hussein, who also liked to run uncontested and then claim victory. Read the rest of this entry »