Norm Macdonald reports on the aftermath of the Pennsylvania primary. Now will someone please wake up McCain?

After much buildup to the showdown in Pennsylvania which turned out to be just another primary in just another state, I think I now want to set my alarm clock for late summer… with the option to slap the snooze bar until November. In what feels less like a clash of the titans and more like an hour-long episode of a sitcom that plays better as a half-hour, I find myself growing tired of Barack versus Hillary. Read the rest of this entry »

As someone who cares deeply about the Democratic party and is tired of the almost 20 years of “shirts and skins” style ruthless attack politics between parties let me just say this:

Man, do the Republicans love Hillary!

And really, who would have thought it? It’s just a testament to what a marvelous, likeable, non-divisive, inspirational, diplomatic creature she is.

What she has been able to accomplish in terms of bridging the gulf of hatred between Democrats and Republicans is nothing short of miraculous.

Why, even her supposed opponent John McCain said to supporters recently that he thinks Hillary may “pull this nomination off yet.”

It’s like, he’s actually cheering for her!

Republicans used to despise her, and her husband, and yet now she counts among her supporters and active campaigners such right-wing stalwarts as Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. Limbaugh has been working tirelessly to get her this nomination. Most people don’t even know this, but her husband appeared on Limbaugh’s show on the eve of the Texas Primary. Bill Clinton actually chatted with the man who referred to his daughter Chelsea as, “the White House Dog” and encouraged Limbaugh’s listeners (who often vote Republican, in case you didn’t know) to vote for Hillary.

Isn’t it amazing the way her loving personality and hopeful demeanor is bringing together the normally fractious Republicans and Democrats? Why, some Republicans are even willing to vote for her in this hotly contested primary contest.

Hillary is like Gandhi, with better outfits! Read the rest of this entry »

China Olympics Mantra: Improve Manners and Foster New Attitudes.

Whoever said getting there is half the fun should be shot. Right now it’s a toss-up between waterboarding and sitting in economy for fourteen and a half hours. I must say, in all candor, that I haven’t gotten nearly as close physically to some women on first dates as I did to the nice Indian couple I sat next to. Sleep was fitful at best and was interrupted several times during the night, most memorably when my laptop fell out of the overhead compartment. Luckily, the computer was not damaged, as my head was there to break its fall.

As I write this I am in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, because I wanted to get out of there before I shared my views on China. And also because I don’t feel like donating an organ.

My aim for the next two weeks as I travel around the world on the Global Scavenger Hunt, is to take the pulse of the world, vis-a-vis the US Presidential elections. See how the world feels about John and Hillary and Barack.
I thought China would be a great place to begin. Wrong. Apparently they are going to have some sort of sporting event there this summer and it is ALL they can think about. No. Really.

They are obsessed with the Olympics and freaked out about the possibility of it going awry. And yes, it seems to be going awry. Read the rest of this entry »

Will she stay or will she go? Norm Macdonald breaks down Hillary Clinton’s latest campaign moves.

I think it’s time you and I had us a talk about President Whatshisname. Certainly time somebody spoke of him. Because I’m not sure anybody’s noticed, but he seems to have disappeared lately. And don’t go all blank on me: You know who I’m talking about. The guy in charge. Supposedly. The Decider. Mr. Mission-Not-Quite-Accomplished. The scaly dragon the Democrats forged the armor of their entire campaign to fight against has turned into the Incredible Shrinking Man and he just can’t stop. As forgotten as the stitching contractor for the ‘54 DeSoto Diplomat seat vendor. And while the Democrats ignore him, the Republicans have implemented a policy barring any reference to him under penalty of severe tingeing.

He went somewhere recently. Overseas, I think. And met up with this other guy who could have been Russian and who may, or may not be, leaving his job soon just like our guy; and the two of them together were as useless as a Powerpoint presentation on Viagra at a Eunuchs convention. Lame duck doesn’t even come close here. A meeting of clipped-winged hawks with 20-pound weights tied to their talons. A comatose vulture summit. Crippled geese. Biologically deformed Pterodactyl fossils encased in the amber pool of irrelevance, obsolescence and guilt. Whoa. OK. I’m done.

Then a few days ago, our guy, Whatshisname, Bush, held a press conference to admonish Congress about something really important. OK, something kind of important. It was importantish. He said. The problem is, no one paid any attention at all to what he was saying. Read the rest of this entry »

As the Presidential campaigns heat up, the candidates are feeling the pressure. Poor Hillary’s even been driven to the bottle. What’s the story with that? Find out here.

Congratulations Human Kind, we’ve done it again!

It turns out there are not one, but TWO Texas-sized masses of trash floating in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. That’s right. Two islands made of 300 foot deep plastic bottles, diapers and everything else that is more than a month old. A vast plane of rubbish, extending to the very curvature of the Earth.

Now, I don’t want to come off as a Mr. Gloom ‘N Doom here. Instead, I believe that this might just be the population solution we’ve been looking for. As humiliating as it is to face the fact, all of the major problems that plague humanity stem from—well, frankly—from people. I don’t want you to think I’m advocating the evisceration of my fellow citizen, but rather to propose another option.

Sure, two congealed clusters of waste product might impede shipping lanes, but we also have an opportunity here. What if we were to put America back to work by building cities right on top of these great polymer mattresses, instead of letting it just sit there, stinking in the sunlight? What if we put our remaining know-how into decongesting our freeway system? We are a people who know how to take over another land. Read the rest of this entry »

How many more days until Bush leaves office? Not even he seems to know for sure.

That classic line came up the other day and it made me think. In its original context it’s a funny show biz remark. A one-liner followed by a rimshot. But, in a larger context, I started thinking that it’s a question that we as Americans need to ask the world, especially after all our hijinks during the last few years.

Let me explain…

As I have traveled around the world both to Europe and to Asia in the last couple of years, as soon as it becomes apparent that I am an American, folks want to “share” their feelings about this administration with me. And since the officials of this administration rarely hang out at street cafes in the Latin Quarter in Paris, or dip into a bowl of chili clams at the Night Market in Hong Kong, folks can’t give them an earful. But oh, I get to hear about it. And I am not alone in this. Ask anyone who has gone overseas recently. Read the rest of this entry »