Posted By Antaeus, Brimstone Party Chairman of the Nine Circles Of Hell

Congratulations are in order. Although not because of her big win Tuesday night in the Pennsylvania primary. As every gleefully miserable, hunched-over contrarian with a wireless keyboard has already pointed out on their respective blogs, it’s still mathematically impossible for Hillary Clinton to win the Democratic Presidential nomination. Something about a lack of pledged delegates or whatever. I’m not really fluent in you Americans’ Byzantine form of democracy.

But I do know this: it appears that your precious, little junior Senator from Illinois is all but fated to get the nod. I’ve read your New York Times and your Washington Posts and they all say it’s simply a matter of time. And no amount of last-minute primary barnstorming in your North Carolinas and your Indianas can save Hillary’s quest to be the next “leader of the free world.” And that’s OK. In fact, that’s to be commended.

Because I’m here with a special message for Hillary: don’t abandon all hope, ye who enter… um… this blog. Because you do still have a chance… in Hell!

That’s right! On behalf of the Brimstone Party of the Nine Circles of Hell, I am overjoyed to announce the selection of Hillary Rodham Clinton as our official nominee for the head of the Executive Office of Infernal Affairs. The seat is up for grabs this November, and we believe Hillary would be a shoe-in. Read the rest of this entry »

There. I said it. And I mean it. And I think a lot of other people feel the same way as me, but they’re just too afraid to speak up about it. Or maybe they feel weird about openly endorsing a fast-food franchise to be the leader of the free world. Maybe they just think, “We better leave this job to people, like Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton or John McCain.” Well, I don’t agree.

In fact, I’m going to be really clear about this whole thing: I want Pizza Hut to be President this time.

I do. And I don’t care what it takes to get it in the Oval Office, I just want it in there. Knock out some walls. Build the signature red roof. Remodel the entire White House and reopen Pennsylvania Avenue to accommodate the increase in traffic. Put a drive-thru window in the West Wing and make the Secret Service take orders. Etch a vertical “Pizza Mia’s Only $5″ on the Washington Monument and rename the Lincoln Bedroom “P’zone.” Engineer a goddamned giant Meat Lover’s pie to permanently rotate on the top of the Capitol building and make the Potomac run red with marinara sauce. Do whatever it takes. Read the rest of this entry »