All I want to know is… the hell is the big deal? Settle down. People, you’re going to pop an embolismthe size of a balloon poodle tail. I’m talking aboutthe reaction to the six to three vote by the Supreme Court upholding an Indiana law that requires a person to show a photo ID in order to vote. And some folks are simply foaming with apoplexy. By the sound of their little fists pounding on various semi-solid surfaces,you’d a thunk they had just discovered that rhythmic clapping doesn’t really bring faeries back to life. So you got to show a government issued ID? So what? You’re voting. It’s a privilege. Earn it. You have to prove you’re registered in the district in which you are voting, don’t you? Read the rest of this entry »

Order another bag of peanuts, pass the cotton candy and get used to the smell of sawdust, because the circus tour has been extended. Yes, my friends, welcome to the primary that will not die. You’d think that after six thrill-filled weeks of hosting this sideshow competition of rival ringmasters outdoing each other in the “Like A Normal Human Animal Act,” the state of Pennsylvania would selflessly provide the rest of the country with a semblance of closure by permanently pulling up the stakes of this traveling Big Top. But no. They got addicted to the sound of calliope music and don’t want the spectacle to end. Selfish bastards. Read the rest of this entry »

I think it’s time you and I had us a talk about President Whatshisname. Certainly time somebody spoke of him. Because I’m not sure anybody’s noticed, but he seems to have disappeared lately. And don’t go all blank on me: You know who I’m talking about. The guy in charge. Supposedly. The Decider. Mr. Mission-Not-Quite-Accomplished. The scaly dragon the Democrats forged the armor of their entire campaign to fight against has turned into the Incredible Shrinking Man and he just can’t stop. As forgotten as the stitching contractor for the ‘54 DeSoto Diplomat seat vendor. And while the Democrats ignore him, the Republicans have implemented a policy barring any reference to him under penalty of severe tingeing.

He went somewhere recently. Overseas, I think. And met up with this other guy who could have been Russian and who may, or may not be, leaving his job soon just like our guy; and the two of them together were as useless as a Powerpoint presentation on Viagra at a Eunuchs convention. Lame duck doesn’t even come close here. A meeting of clipped-winged hawks with 20-pound weights tied to their talons. A comatose vulture summit. Crippled geese. Biologically deformed Pterodactyl fossils encased in the amber pool of irrelevance, obsolescence and guilt. Whoa. OK. I’m done.

Then a few days ago, our guy, Whatshisname, Bush, held a press conference to admonish Congress about something really important. OK, something kind of important. It was importantish. He said. The problem is, no one paid any attention at all to what he was saying. Read the rest of this entry »

Poor Hillary. Everybody wants her to quit. Nancy Pelosi wants her to quit. Michelle Obama wants her to quit. Wouldn’t be surprised to hear Fidel Castro thinks she’s been hanging on too long. Even pundits who don’t really want her to quit are calling for her to quit because the next vote isn’t for three weeks and they’re caught in the Primary Dead Zone Vortex, and, like an excited terrier piddling in the stairwell at the sound of the key in the door, just can’t help themselves.

The media chorus is as insistent as a 3 a.m. car alarm: “It’s time to go. Leave now while you have a shred of dignity intact. You’re ruining it for everyone. How can we hug and kiss Barack when you’re still wrestling with him, you sweaty old hag?” She, in turn, has put a brave face on her acknowledged uphill battle, comparing herself to Rocky Balboa, but seems to have forgotten, that in the first movie, Rocky loses. To a black guy.

The Left has long held a deep-seated need to fall in love with their candidate; and while people may respect Hillary, she’s as cuddly as a stainless steel teddy bear. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh man, it’s a good thing I’m not a politician. For me. For you. For the planet Jupiter. Not just because I’d expend all my political capital attempting to get rid of that primitive custom known as bar time. And then try to roll back the scourge of those silly speed limit restrictions. I mean, what’s the sense of selling Shelby Mustang GTs if you can’t blow out the carbs once in a while? And what about society’s unconscionably puritanical obsession with sex workers? Who’s with me here? Hugh Grant? Eddie Murphy? Governor Spitzer? Senator Vitter? Somebody, back me up.

You can’t say I didn’t give it a go either. Politics, that is. Not prostitution. But then, they’re easy to mix up. Back in ‘87, I ran for mayor of San Francisco. Spent $1,500. Came in fourth out of 11. Got 2 percent of the vote. The three guys who beat me out each spent over a million dollars apiece. So on a dollar per vote basis, I am mayor of San Francisco. Of course, no matter what incentives were offered, those persnickety, math-obsessed electoral commissioners continually failed to come around to my way of thinking. Read the rest of this entry »

This campaign has been tough on everybody, but particularly on members of the media who find themselves stymied when trying to navigate this year’s historic candidacy minefield. And since all three candidates have proven to be a bit, shall we say, delicate, a hastily-compiled handy reference guide about how to cover the most exciting political sensations of this or indeed, many a generation, is in order.

Hillary Clinton

• Avoid the word “female.”
• Do not under any circumstances use the Senator’s maiden name.
• It is sexist to question whether the candidate’s alleged marriage is legit, or to say anything about her husband—positive or negative.
• Do not call Hillary Clinton “shrill.” The candidate is penetrating and sharp, intense, passionate and fervent, but not shrill. Or strident.
• Please refrain from referring to the Senator as a witch or any word that rhymes with it.
• It is bad form to ask where Senator Clinton got her 35 years of experience. She got it the old fashioned way: she earned it.
• Do not call her husband an oaf. He is a lummox.
• Please do not remark on what the candidate is wearing any more than if she were a man. Especially blue pantsuits.
• Refrain from making comparisons to any other female politicians. Especially Geraldine Ferraro.
• Discussions of a candidate’s physical characteristics have no place in serious campaign reportage. Her membership in the Big Calves Society is off limits.

Barack Obama

• Avoid the word “race.”
• Do not under any circumstances use the Senator’s middle name. Read the rest of this entry »
  

1. WARREN BUFFET: World’s richest man can’t hurt, in case the campaign needs a loan. Or the country.
2. JAMES EARL JONES: The most trusted voice in show business.
3. DAN QUAYLE: Knows the drill.
4. ED MCMAHON: Knows the drill AND he knows the intro, “Here’s Joohhhnyyyyyy!”
5. RONALD REAGAN: Quit pussyfooting around. It’s what the base wants. Who cares if he’s dead? How much less animated is that from second term?
6. JEB BUSH: Ups the Bush streak to seven of last eight GOP tickets.
7. JOE LIEBERMAN: Invests campaign with bipartisan spin. Also returns “Joementum” to national lexicon.
8. KAY BAILEY HUTCHISON: Takes “woman” thing out of play.
9. CINDY MCCAIN: Takes “woman” thing out of play, and keeps it in the family.
10. COLIN POWELL: Takes “black” thing out of play.
11. CONDOLEEZZA RICE: Takes “woman and black” things out of play.
12. GEORGE CLOONEY: Takes “woman” thing out of play.
13. JOAN RIVERS: Takes “old” thing out of play. “Woman” thing still in play.
14. DICK VITALE: Takes “old” and “woman” things out ofplay, BABY.
15. ANDY ROONEY: Really takes “old” thing out of play. No, really.
16. ALAN GREENSPAN: Wasn’t everything a whole lot better when he was in charge? And takes “old” thing out of play.
17. MARY CHENEY: Takes “lesbian” and “unwed mother” things out of play.
18. DICK CHENEY: What the hell? Something to be said for continuity.
19. FRED THOMPSON: Throws a bone to the conservative wing and makes candidate appear vibrant.
20. REGIS PHILBIN: A touch of Hollywood. Old Hollywood, but Hollywood nonetheless.
21. MIKE HUCKABEE: Plays popular former “Governor of Arkansas” card.
22. RUDI GIULIANI: Sop to huge pro-choice, pro-gay rights, pro-gun control wing of the GOP. Not to mention NEW YORK.
23. HILLARY CLINTON: Wants it so bad, she’d cross the aisle for death-watch slot. Read the rest of this entry »
    

Ralph Nader: Officially threw his hat in the ring for President. Again. His fourth attempt. Shouldn’t three strikes apply here?

Ralph Nader: The Doctor Kevorkian of presidential politics.

Ralph Nader: Like a lefter Dennis Kucinich minus the hot wife and massive groundswell of public support.

Ralph Nader: Liberal response—Good message. Bad delivery. Awful timing.

Ralph Nader: Conservative response—If you need any help with ballot access, let us know.

Ralph Nader: A retired two-term ex-President… if hippies ruled the world.

Ralph Nader: Still serving life without parole… if General Motors ruled the world. Read the rest of this entry »

Brazenly defying logic, momentum, expectations, poll numbers, gravity, and the old wives advice not to venture into the water within an hour of eating, Hillary Clinton unaccountably still lives. She’s like one of those zombies you shoot and stab and knock upside the head with a nail-studded two-by-four dipped in some rare poisonous South American giant toad secretion. And she just keeps coming at you. Slowly she turns. Inch by inch. Step by step. I don’t know if she sold her soul to the devil or Bill had unnatural congress with a Voodoo Queen or the voters in Texas and Ohio were subjected to subliminal messages in their cereal ads or what. Perhaps she’s just plucky.

I do know this must be frustrating as hell for Barack Obama, who has to be imploring the gods (none Muslim, as far as I know) for a hint of exactly what its going to take to put this soulless banshee permanently down. Decapitation, a silver bullet in the ear or wooden stake through the heart; but even then, he’d best be advised not to turn his back on the remains. Because every time he straightens up, brushes off and looks directly into the camera reaching out to take the Democratic damsel triumphantly in his arms, Hillary’s face pops up behind him with an evil gleam in her eye and some superdelgate entrails hanging out of her mouth stretching out both hands for his neck. She walks the earth as one of the undead. Read the rest of this entry »

It’s desperation time in Hillaryville. They’re putting out fires faster than a Rocky Mountain ranger station during a lightning storm in the middle of an August drought. Due to the fact that a certain inevitability has proven to be highly evitable. And watching the nomination slip through their fingers has to be going down as easy as a deep-fried fork. Causing several revisions to what was previously a dead-solid game plan. Corrections that include, but are not limited to, banishing key staffers to “integral” precincts on the outskirts of West Texas. Further attempts to wring blood out of contributors who insist on impersonating dried turnips. And the most difficult fix: figuring out how to get the candidate’s husband to shut the hell up.

Yeah. Right. Good luck. You’d have a better shot at using a plastic butter knife to spay a pit pull on meth than try to muzzle this old dog. I suggest a wolf snare or tranquilizer gun as the best means to render the 42nd President of the United States docile enough to throw a choke chain around his neck. Interesting how quickly the game changes. It wasn’t that long ago, rival campaigns were complaining Hillary had an unfair advantage being married to a former President. “But he gets so much press.” And now it’s Hillary’s staff doing the complaining. “But he gets so much press.”

What was once a secret weapon is now an albatross tied by a frayed rope swinging wildly from the neck of the former First Lady. Read the rest of this entry »